At first, you think she is shy, which is kind of cute, and you two just started dating, so even holding hands counts. Later, you convince yourself that it’s her religious beliefs about virginity, which you respect, or at least try to. Of course, the wedding night is a fictitious event, and everyone is wasted anyway. But then regular life begins, and still nothing happens. Not because of a lack of effort on your part, though. And with every new excuse, your resentment keeps growing until you reach the point where you just can’t do it anymore. You call the fiction what it is and say out loud the unthinkable—divorce. Only then does something crack in the fortress walls, and you finally reach what you have been waiting for all this time. For a while, everything seemed to work out somehow, despite frequent ups and downs. Then the big question pops up, and out of nowhere, your intimate life turns into a precisely scheduled chore. But you don’t complain—it’s still the intimate life after all. Well, in a way, since it makes you feel like a semen injector sometimes. After the little one arrives, you don’t expect anything any time soon, and you both are exhausted after countless sleepless nights with colic and whatever else causes endless crying anyway. But eventually, life settles. Only intimacy is still a minefield. You talk and try to find a way to make it work, sometimes with success, sometimes without. And the resentment starts to build up again, which doesn’t help either. There are days when everything seems great and you dream of a perfect ending in the bedroom. Then the kid goes to bed, and bam, she sparks an argument over some trifle, quick to resolve but enough for her to say she’s not in the mood. Eventually, there is nothing but bitterness and resentment left, and you wonder: What on earth is this love thing all about? But whatever you think, it’s always your fault; you can take that for granted. After all, you are the one who only thinks about sex, aren’t you?
hidden pilcrow 