What was the last thing you remember
before you died? I was signing my book,
but I can’t recall if it was as MacCallus
or Modzelewski. It doesn’t matter—
they’re both equally ridiculous—
just like signing a book
I never published.
More words to ponder at maciejmodzelewski.com
I curse the day I tasted bridal bread and salt.
I curse the day I met the future posy thrower.
I curse the day I let the dissolution slip through my fingers.
I curse the day I woke up in a stretcher.
I curse the day I was born,
most of all.
More words to ponder at maciejmodzelewski.com
my plan is unlimited
calls and texts only my contacts are empty
for now at least that’s what i said all those years ago
when i bought that mobile
remorse
More words to ponder at maciejmodzelewski.com
Wrapped in a blanket,
I pass the morning (it’s noon already?!)
with GLS’s letters and a piece of flatbread
with peanut butter and dried apricots
since peeping at long bygone lives
and inventing odd dishes is the most I can do
while I wait for the final act of misfortune
I brought upon myself when, in a hormonal haze,
I followed tradition and a state-sanctioned
cursed primal urge.
Looking at the old ray diagrams of a telescope
reminded me of the one I once bought
as a birthday present for someone
but missed the opportunity to give to them,
and now it sits under my desk—
like the Kilbrittain Whale—
next to the document shredder, collecting dust
and the occasional pang of guilt,
just like all the languages I’ve ever learnt,
or rather tried to, only to end up skimming a tad of Polish
and later getting a smattering of English—
one being my mother tongue, the other transplanted—
and in the end, settling for memorising full names,
like T.S. Eliot’s and GLS’s, but even that didn’t go too well
with my memory wrinkling along with my physiognomy.
Life is a curse—a sentient one all the more so—yet we cling tenaciously
to this self-perpetuating whim of fate, failing to see that we are nothing
but victims of Stockholm syndrome in a vicious circle of reproduction,
with the upshot of comatose reason as a fig leaf for weaponised intimacy;
nothing that an episode of hentai and a box of tissues wouldn’t have solved.
If only I had known this all those years ago, or better yet, if I had never
been born to have to learn it.
I tried ice skating once. It ended badly—I killed a little girl,
or rather would have if I had hit her in the head with my skate
instead of the leg, which wasn’t far off, considering her height,
when I suddenly fell—all just to have a song with someone
(it didn’t work out in the end) or at least score another point
in that petty midlife skirmish of mine.
I’ve come to the conclusion that slowly dying is too demanding a job
to make room for other pointless pursuits, like memorising new words
or ever-so-slightly changing faces, which of course leaves me no choice
but to outsource all the embellishments that are commonly considered
life’s essential ingredients—though it’s not as if I don’t appreciate
an occasional reminder that the regrets we draw from the callow years
are not what stimulate our due desires—and embrace the humble life
of an urban hermit with somewhat perverted interest in death.
How long does it take to live fifty years?
Longer than the blink of an eye, but not as long as you might expect,
sounds about right. Then come all the accretions that stick like a crust
until you can’t tell them apart from your own skin. And when one day
you no longer cry over the shape of your heart, all that’s left is regret
that she threw away your perfectly good wellies, along with the name
you had traded for all the wrong reasons.
hidden pilcrow 