It’s all about appearance

Sometimes I have the same dream over and over again,
as if a turntable needle were stuck in the groove of a broken record
that would otherwise be an uneventful night. It wakes me up eventually,
and more often than not, I cannot get back to sleep.

Since tossing and turning makes no more sense than getting out of bed,
I choose the latter, and, trying to avoid the usual squeaky floor concerto,
I walk over to my desk.

To prevent the neighbours’ wrath, I’d rather not touch the typewriter
and settle for my good old friend, the fountain pen—or I would
in the pre-digital era, but sitting in front of a computer screen
doesn’t sound as romantic.

You see, it is all about keeping up the appearance of an artistic vibe.
After all, we are all occasional imposters.

Generations

Like father, like son, or so they say.
But what if the son has his father’s face
but not his voice anymore? Or a mother
and a daughter, like those I saw once
on the bus while coming back from work.

I was dozing off a bit, but I could still hear
a true Aberdonian teen frantically talking
about some fist-involving drama at school.
But at some point, a mature female voice
with a strong Nigerian accent responded.

Intrigued, I opened my eyes and saw them—
like two peas in a pod, yet different.

To be surprised

I met a girl the other day
at my favourite second-hand film shop, or a boy,
or none of the above. I simply couldn’t tell.
I was baffled, confused, and fascinated.
They look like they’re twenty-ish,
but facial and body features, voice pitch,
unisex clothing style, and hair colour—half blue,
half green—wouldn’t point at any of the two genders
I grew up knowing, although I lean more towards the feminine side.

I know it’s none of my business
and that the world is no longer binary
(it never was; we just swept what we didn’t want
to acknowledge under the rug),
but I can’t stop thinking about them.
It’s like meeting an exotic beauty for the first time
when you can’t take your eyes off her,
even knowing that you look at least idiotic
and maybe even creepy.

If I were half my age, it would probably be a good reason
to ask them out on a date, but in my situation,
I can only marvel at how incredibly beautiful and diverse the world is
and that I am still capable of being surprised by this fact.

An unexpected visitor

I saw a red admiral today. It sat on a tree branch outside my window.
Butterflies are not frequent guests here. In fact, I can’t recall ever seeing one around,
but I guess that’s the gist of living in a city. I remember that in my childhood
they were everywhere, but it was a different time and place, and we had a garden
that attracted them, the large white in particular because of the cabbage beds.
Perhaps if I went outside the city, to the countryside, to the meadows,
I would have better luck, but it’s so much hassle, I just couldn’t bother.
And it’s probably better that way, to leave nature to itself, intact by my shoe soles,
and every once in a while be surprised by an unexpected visitor.
You learn to appreciate those rare encounters better.

It starts with a shower

No longer one, but not yet another either, I’m stuck in a limbo
where, one by one, the little things of everyday life lose their relevance.
How come, you may ask? It’s quite simple, really. One day, one stays
too late into the night to take a shower, and being a creature of habit,
the next thing one knows, one’s not taking it at all for a week or two.
The same goes for everything else.
And the remoteness of the modern world makes it awfully simple,
because once you take yourself out of the social equation,
such things become basically inconsequential, so why even bother?
But the real problem begins when negligence in trivia spills over
into more fundamental matters. And once a feedback loop fires up,
you are doomed. So better remember about your shower,
or dirty dishes in the sink, or whatever it is you decided to skip
before it all spirals out of control. Mould in a cup with leftover
coffee grounds is one thing, but a debt collector on the doorstep
is a different story entirely.

I shall never let a penman in my life

And if I meet you on the plain, during the rain,
in blasted Spain—before I spread my wings—uptight
about the fact you danced all night while I was waiting
for the bright morning’s clarity on what’s right,
then you should know that all your charm is gone already,
like the barm in every demijohn of ale, and you will never lift
my veil—at least that’s how I end this tale.

Addiction knows no glory

Whether I read The Waste Land or Metamorphoses,
Much Ado About Nothing or Waiting for Godot,
The Karamazov Brothers or One Hundred Years of Solitude,
I am constantly reminded that there is more to writing
than writing. And I know the so-called ten thousand-hour rule,
but I’m also painfully aware that even if I double or triple that,
I still won’t be even remotely close to Whitman or Keats,
regardless of whether it is a matter of a gift from some gods
I don’t believe in or genetics and the fact that my brain
may lack the unusual setup of Einstein’s. But despite everything,
I keep writing because what doesn’t go away with adolescent acne
becomes a lifelong addiction.

The banal aches of a socialite

I don’t like pubs, and I guess the feeling is mutual,
as I’m the kind of client that orders a glass of tap water
and just occupies the seat the whole night, which isn’t good
for business. But I don’t really feel bad about it because usually
the rest of the pack drinks without any restraint, so I’m covered.
And I can always pretend to be the designated driver,
even though I don’t actually have a driving licence.

I don’t like pubs because most of the time they are too noisy
for my liking, and even if the clientele behaves, the music is too loud,
which doesn’t help you have a meaningful conversation.
And if that wasn’t enough, seeing all those people drinking
brings back memories I’ve been avoiding. So in moments like these,
I imagine myself sitting alone in the Nouvelle Athènes in Montmartre
at the height of the Belle Époque, waiting for a muse I’ve never met.

I’m sure I’d find something annoying there too.

It’s a matter of taste

I guess it would be nice to hear that I’m funny for a change. The last time I heard anything
about myself was that I’m boring—that date ended rather quickly. But what can I say? I am
who I am. I doubt pubs, restaurants, or parties will ever interest me. I’m a born homebody
who would watch Wings of Desire rather than travel to Berlin, wander around Dublin
in Ulysses, or see Paris in Toulouse-Lautrec reproductions on the walls of my apartment.
You see, the crude reality of place and time is like raw food—it gives me indigestion.