Lately, I’ve been told to open my heart, but how am I supposed to do that
without a surgical team—and performing unlicensed medical procedures
is punishable by several years in prison anyway—and live to tell the tale?
But if you insist it was just a misunderstanding—I’m familiar with idioms
and prying.
Nothing heralds the arrival of the month of forced joy better
than binge-watching Hallmark Christmas flicks—only slightly
toned down by a reserved immersion in Russell and Hitchens
during the commercials—with all the remarkably irrelevant
characters in the spectacle of self-inflicted sorrow that some
call the holidays. After all, even a die-hard atheist like myself
deserves his guilty pleasures.
The day I forget how to spell my name will be like a violin playing
a violinist—somewhat unexpected, but not overly dramatic, calm even,
except, I guess, it’s better to embrace the little drama of the present
with backaches and cooking dinner for one while listening to Lisa’s song
played in a loop and leave the whole spelling affair as it comes
to a letter cutter.
I have nothing to say, and yet I keep talking,
meticulously combining nouns, personal pronouns, and verbs,
adding an occasional adjective here and there, so as to hide
in the multitude of dependent clauses—each introduced with the most unique
subordinating conjunction I can think of—my utter inability to form and express
an original thought of my own (it’s a bit like in the kitchen
when you dream of your own signature dish,
or at least a decent phoritto or some other fusion food,
and you end up reheating a ready-made meal, glad
you didn’t burn it).
Do you remember that feeling
when you finally find out what the melody is
that has been haunting you for months,
after you’ve heard it just once by chance,
only to be played all of a sudden
by the violas and cellos—an ostinato
carved into the black vinyl—as a farewell
to the kind of reserved innocence
you often only begin to savour
when it’s already too late? I do.
If only you had realised then
that you could survive on a single act
of desperation.
I pulled an all-nighter, struggling
to keep my eyes open at times,
just to watch two cours in one sitting
of some old anime I hadn’t seen in years,
and it wasn’t even my favourite one.
But it’s not like I planned this;
it just sort of happened out of sheer inertia,
as if my body decided it for me,
the same as not showering for weeks
or staying indoor with the curtains drawn.
I’ve come to the conclusion that slowly dying is too demanding a job
to make room for other pointless pursuits, like memorising new words
or ever-so-slightly changing faces, which of course leaves me no choice
but to outsource all the embellishments that are commonly considered
life’s essential ingredients—though it’s not as if I don’t appreciate
an occasional reminder that the regrets we draw from the callow years
are not what stimulate our due desires—and embrace the humble life
of an urban hermit with somewhat perverted interest in death.
As days of vigour wither on the creeper,
so do the specious ploys and inclinations;
yet something keeps the throb in a sagging chest
of the quinquagenarian in the making, which is fair,
for even the turning of wine into water
requires having the plonk in the first place.
‘Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate’
Divina Commedia, Dante Alighieri
If only I were never born
sentient, like a piece of rock, a handful of soil,
a pebble at the bottom of a mountain stream,
or a speck of dust immune to the curse of life,
though perhaps even that would not be enough,
for the inscription over the gate actually reads:
to be.
hidden pilcrow 