Who is to judge if I’m wasting my life?
As far as nature is concerned,
I have already fulfilled my sole purpose
by passing on my genes.
Now all that’s left is to sustain my body
to the very end, whenever that may be.
All the rest is fodder that I convinced myself
I needed to stay determined to breathe:
buy a book, read a book, go to the beach,
tell someone you wish you loved them
no more.
They say I have a birth-given obligation
to suffer life long enough to teach my children
how to despise it as much as I do.
After that, I can retire to my private quarters,
put on my best suit, lie in bed, and rest,
knowing that life has finally returned
the face it borrowed from me.
So, here I am, turning quinquagenarian soon—no longer young, but not quite old yet either.
I decided to change something in my life, and since great things start small, or so they say,
I changed a detail—my briefs for boxers. I also spotted a tiny hole in the heel of the sock
I wore this morning, and for a brief moment, I weighed the pros and cons of darning it
or throwing it away, which is odd because I never paid much attention to my garment before,
so what difference does it make now that we parted ways?
It doesn’t matter that I read everything from Plato to Dostoyevsky
to Faludi and Greer, that I can write complex algorithms as well
as the occasional stanza or two, and that I know the difference
between epistemology and epistolography. To you, I’m just a bore.
At least we didn’t need to extend our only date beyond the length
of the promenade, and your blunt assessment quickly cured me
of online dating.
I’ve watched very many films—very bad ones—for a single line only,
and I’m gradually realising how these one-liners pave my sense of artificiality.
But I’ll be all right, I guess. It’s not like we stop making dinners
just because we burn our fingers once or twice.
For now, though, I think I’ll stick to silent cinema.
Who knows, maybe it will be like those avocado sandwiches
and chamomile tea that you first eat to soothe an upset stomach,
but after a while, they simply become your regular breakfast.
You know it’s time to leave when every breakfast becomes an act
of desperation, and yet you prolong this little la-la land in denial
as if a stuffed croissant with café au lait were the epitome of certainty.
Didn’t you admit long ago that someone else had already spared you
from the hell of paradise? Knowing you, I doubt you have any desire
to answer. If anything, you’d pretend there was no question asked.
And there is still the unrewarding experience of returning home,
which sounds a bit melodramatic, even for someone like you,
but if you wanted to, it could simply be reduced to a logistics problem.
After all, a broken heart can’t find solace in complaining about cold feet.
Whenever I recalled my youth,
full of Dostoevsky, recreational carnality,
and conviction-laced twaddle,
all I could remember were the curtains
that granted me a sense of innocence.
But as time passes, I wonder: if I lived
up to my own past words, with age,
would doubts arise?
We didn’t invent death,
but we managed to industrialise it;
neither did we invent life,
and yet we pursue an obsession with immortality,
slowly losing the ability to distinguish silence
from the absence of sound.
To think, it all started with sin—our only invention.
You are allowed to be happy.
I got this from a film, since, strangely enough, no one ever told me that.
I guess everyone assumes it’s a given, like being infatuated with actresses
(I’m somewhere between the Tilda Swinton and Charlotte Gainsbourg phases).
But this whole idea seems a bit sketchy—bedridden, if I may say so.
I have long suspected that of all the things that make up
our meticulous, hand-woven everyday lives, nothing matters more to us
than the pursuit of happiness, and yet all we get are bus tickets,
bank statements, cartes du jour, bills supposedly paid on time, detailed itineraries,
and the like. Is that why the happiest person I’ve ever known
was a diener?
hidden pilcrow 