Arise, ye more than dead!
John Dryden, Song for Saint Cecilia’s Day, 1687
it is my sunday with the kids.
we are going to the science centre.
i think they will like it and maybe
even start talking to me.
i was so angry back then,
so resentful. now, i have to live
with the consequences
and learn how to forgive
and ask for forgiveness.
we all have to.
first, nineteen men killed two thousand
nine hundred and seventy-seven people.
then the “war on terror” began, which has
so far cost the lives of over three million
people, as a direct result of war violence
or as collateral damage.
it has been raining since the morning,
so i decided to stay in bed longer and read
the old spaniard’s the tragic sense of life.
later, i had a bowl of porridge for breakfast
and the usual dose of vitamins. i realised
what day it was only when i decided to sign
the papers, finally ending the twenty years
of my marriage. what a coincidence.
first, nineteen men killed two thousand
nine hundred and seventy-seven people.
the rest are just the statistics of deaths
and a catchphrase.
as i read the history of the greco-persian wars,
portrayed as the great war between east and west,
as a clash of two civilisations, i can not help but feel
that i read a history of masculinity. because where
do women appear in this bloodshed? if mentioned at all,
they are victims of murder, rape, and captivity,
or mothers, wives, daughters and sisters
mourning their loved ones.
and please, brother, do not try to convince me
that this is just some ancient history, long time gone.
any news outlet will contradict you.
i wonder how do they manage to look
at us?
i am a straight, white, middle-class, able-bodied male.
i am a highly paid, well-educated white-collar worker.
i am a european union member states’ passport holder.
i am a law-abiding, liberal-minded, responsible citizen.
i am fit, active, well-nourished, and fully vaccinated.
i am a lost cause.
if i could simply leave,
turn off the light, and slam the door,
drawing this galling lease to a close,
without a single glance back,
then i could simply live,
not word for word, but line by line,
drawing a day from borrowed tears,
fleeting like nameless stanzas.
if you only read texts that you agree with,
then you will just reinforce your biases.
so i read the tragic sense of life and feel sorry
for myself. because there is nothing better
than wallowing in self-pity, as you can always
count on a pinch of someone’s attention
and you do not have to make any effort
to forgive yourself.
a year ago, i woke up early in the morning,
ate a bowl of porridge for breakfast, brushed my teeth,
changed clothes, and spent the next few hours exploring
the intricacies of remote work.
i had greek yogurt with nuts and dried fruit for lunch,
then a short walk before going back to the computer.
for dinner we ate new potatoes with dill and buttermilk,
which always reminds me of holidays in the countryside
in my childhood.
and then you said we need to talk.
a year ago, it was the end of the world,
or just another day.
Art thou poor, yet has thou golden slumbers?
Thomas Dekker, The Happy Heart
the adage says, money does not make you happy,
to which someone added, but it allows you to be
comfortably unhappy. and in this sarcastic remark,
as in the adage itself, there is a painful truth hidden.
they are both chasing the undefined.
the best of the Greeks would rather die in freedom than live in servitude; and the Persians should have taken warning from this.
A. C. Grayling, The Good Book
what does it mean to be a free man?
what does it take? would i dare to ask
the lycians who set fire to the citadel
with their wives and children inside
and ten launched a suicide attack
on harpagus and his army?
and would i rather be one of them
or be among the eighty families
then absent from the city who later
returned to revive xanthos?
and if i keep asking these questions,
will i never have to answer them?
